59th monthsary

this monthsary was pretty special. my honhun had a surprise for me. we went to Umm Al Qauin for a weekend getaway.

the resort was very nice indeed. ive been wanting to visit that resort for a long time and i finally could say ive been there, spent the night there. we went jetskiing ;> hahaha it was sooo fun!!! we had liempo and hotdog and grilled chicken for our meals. i got to dip in the pool...we, meaning, my honhun fished...but no fish caught, unfortunately. it was a weekend to relish..a respite from work.

thanks so much, hon. u really are the best. best lover, best friend, best companion. i love you. muah!!!!

this is my now

i have been sitting here, wondering where my life is going. am in this job which is, yes, stable yet so dull. here i am, visiting and revisiting my friendster account, checking out anything my friends did that is new, looking at their posted pictures, comparing lives. im here checking my ym, hoping to see new people have logged in just so i can somehow make conversations, even though sometimes, we just talk of things past. i finished organizing my outlook just to have something to do. ive done all the filing. i have answered several surveys hoping against hope the dullness of the day would be forgotten. but no..nothing helps. i guess the only thing that keeps me going right now is that i know at the end of the day, i'd see this person whom i could just relax with.

would you believe that we haven't really gone out for a long time? we just stay at home and play scrabbles and that's fine by me. even if the whole weekend is spent on that, it's ok. it's fun.

i guess the only trouble with my life right now is that i am no longer happy with this job.

nway, am currently doing this application for migration. yes, we are hoping to be given residence visas to this particular country where homosexuals are not discriminated or single moms for that matter. i am just waiting for my baby's passport to be issued and some details needed for my partner's identity and the application is off to the consulate. this saturday, i think i am going to take IELTS. the certficate i will receive once i pass will help with the application as well. i looked the country up in the internet and it seems really nice. they have free education for children enrolling in the primary and secondary levels so that'd be good for dru. they seem to offer a lot of career opportunities especially for IT grads and that should be good for hon and moi. the housing, albeit expensive, is doable. we could own a house there, pay mortgages for while but hey, a place to call our own? stop renting? that's great, right? but best of all, it IS change. i believe, this is just what i need now...change. and as drastic as migrating may sound, it'd be good for us. we'll finally be a family. my partner's gonna love it there, the weather is cold 8mos of the year. and with cold, i mean really cold, not just MY cold. but i'd do that for my hon. besides, i get to wear these really cool trench coats and thermal jackets..hahahaha...

my colleague just passed her driver's exam, with one take. unbelievable, given that this is the now dubai. the police had become more strict with regard to driving that, her passing the first time she took the exam was really surprising. oh yeah, she's been driving for 2 years in the philippines before she came here but still a lot of men and women who have driven in the past also have been failed for the littlest of reasons. so now that she has raised the standard i am even more scared to take the driving exam. what if i dont pass the 1st time? would it mean i am less of a person than she is? or would it mean that im stupid? sigh... it gets harder and to think i dont really wanna take the driving lessons. if only its not considered a skill, i wouldn't even be thinking bout it. but since it is, no choice at all.

...

i just heard from a friend that my son's father has just killed someone.

this actually isn't news to me. i mean, my mother has mentioned something to this effect before but from what my mother told me, they were able to pay it off so there wasn't any problem and the person didnt seem to have died from my recollection. but my friend confirmed that, yes, my son's father had hit a person on bike and killed that person and ran.

and now, he's in hiding. from the victim's family...from the law...from the world.

this actually is such a pity. my son has a very imaginative mind and he seems to think of his father as some saintly being. i dont have the heart to correct him. he thinks that he and his father will soon see each other, probably playing ball games, singing, whatever.

so, how do you tell a child who just recently turned seven and is quite intelligent having reeived honors when he graduated from kindergarten and all that his so-called dad is or might be (to be kind) a criminal?

i dont wanna curtail my son's development into a good person by telling him the truth. it might have a terrible effect on him. i certainly do not want him to hate the person who has helped spawned him. i mean, there was some good in his father when i knew him.

i just regret that my baby's father is so irresponsible. he was so talented. he was intelligent. he was nice. he was charming. he had means, i mean his family did or does, whatever. he was handsome. past tense since it has been many years since i last saw him.

sigh..sometimes, i wish i could have known better. i could have given my son a better father.

g'bye

you dont get to make me feel guilty.

and yet i cried. i felt helpless. but then again i knew i tried.

i tried everything i could. i did everything i believe i should.

i covered for you. i followed up for you. i helped you. i fed you. i looked out for you.

i know you'd say you dont need protecting. you dont need my help. heck you didnt even ask for it.

but as all of us elders are expected to do, even without being asked, we try to do what we could.

and i did.

so, no...you dont get to make me feel guilty.

i keep complaining that i dont ever get enough sleep. well, i actually dont.

so i tell myself everyday that i will try to sleep on the way to the office and tho' i try, i can no longer sleep. i can just close my eyes.

so i tell myself ill sleep on the way home instead and well, people call me. so instead of resting, i get a headache. tho am not really complaining...not much anyway.

so i tell myself, when im home, ill sleep for an hour at least before they all arrive home then i realize i have to cook dinner. so there goes all my time alone..my time to supposedly try and sleep.

so finally i tell myself: ok, i will sleep early tonight. but when night comes, something always happens.
like last night-we bought the complete 3 seasons of grey's anatomy and watched ;>

can't really blame anybody, can i?

my beloved...

wherever i go, when i look around
i see you.

in the years that we have been together
you never left me (not spiritually anyway).

you have always been there. just there.

you seem to know what i need
without being asked.

you seem to know what to say, what i have to hear.

you seem to know how to finish my own sentences.

you are always ready to help me carry my burden.

when i forget and become too egotistical
you keep me grounded.


you...(to quote a movie ;>) you complete me.


happy...

my name means...

You entered: roselle

There are 7 letters in your name.Those 7 letters total to 32There are 3 vowels and 4 consonants in your name.What your first name means:

Swedish FemaleRose.

Your number is: 5

The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.

The expression or destiny for #5:The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means: With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.
You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 7

An Inner Dream number of 7 means: You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

You entered: sigrid

There are 6 letters in your name.Those 6 letters total to 39There are 2 vowels and 4 consonants in your name.What your first name means:

Swedish Female Victorious.
Norse Female Conquering advisor.
Danish Female Victorious counselor.

Your number is: 3

The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.
The expression or destiny for #3:An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.

The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.

Your Soul Urge number is: 9

A Soul Urge number of 9 means: With a 9 Soul Urge, you want to give to others, usually in a humanitarian or philanthropic manner. You are highly motivated to give friendship, affection and love. And you are generous in giving of your knowledge and experience. You have very sharing urges, and you are likely to have a great deal to share. Your concern for others makes you a very sympathetic and generous person with a sensitive and compassionate nature.
You are able to view life in very broad and intuitive terms. You often express high ideals and an inspirational approach to life. If you are able to fully realize the potential of your motivation, you will be a very self-sacrificing person who is able to give freely without being concerned about any return or reward.

As with all human beings, you are prone to sometimes express the negative attitudes inherent to your Soul Urges. You may become too sensitive and tend to express emotions strongly at times. There can be significant conflict between higher aims and personal ambitions. You may resent the idea of giving all of the time and, in fact, if there is too much 9 energy in your nature you may reject the idea. You may often be disappointed in the lack of perfection in yourself and others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 3

An Inner Dream number of 3 means: You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.

his insolent response (in blue)

am i bad for intervening? this person dont actually know what happens inside the house. this person only sees the person whom he encounters outside, whom he has known for what? a
month? and here he is telling me what to do. well, maybe he is right...that i shouldn't intervene, i mean. i wouldn't have, had he and my sister actually didnt cross certain boundaries. if you read this, know that you have been welcome in my house. but still as you know i am here in this country away from my son because i wanted to help our parents in their financial burden (not to mention the fact that honhun is here but that's beside the point). you dont seem to see that. you dont seem to see the urgency in their needs. i know you want to just enjoy life and such but as you pointed out to me before, you are 22 yrs old-an adult. yes,but do you act like one? as an adult, there comes certain responsibilities. and when you do recognize that, when i see that you are one adult who can totally be trusted, and one adult who does not necessarily need certain people to watch over her then i would stop intefering with your affairs. but til then or til you move away from my place whichever comes first, i will still set some ground rules.


Roselle, noting the tone of yr emails I very much doubt any meaning to reply - but briefly suggest to consider that you may in fact under estimate both your sister and myself, and maybe what we can give each other, you really think yr Chebem is impressed with 'money' / 'barhopping'.., as you know well, these things acually mean nothing and certainly I have more fun and give more value to being beaten at a game of Scrabble which costs nothing other than perhaps ones pride.

However I also have a sister who is 10 years younger and I will at any moment fight to protect her rightly or wrongly should I feel it necessary, so ok you have made yr opinion and I will respect that knowing I may have the same reaction. From my experience, forcing what you initially feel is the right for someone whom you care for does not actually change the inevitable and can risk have the wrong effect, meanginful love and care for someone can be offered in a more subtle and beneficial way.

his answer...

blue font was his answer to the previous blog...i sent it.

have done the difficult thing you have asked out of respect for you (believe it or not), however you take care of her as she is very special, be clear there is a difference between truly caring and running someones life based on belief you know better for them.

i wanna say...

(believe it or not) i do know the difference as i have been subject to that before. i dont actually care who my siblings date, trust me, i let them do what they wanna do SO LONG AS they are happy (in the true sense of the word), that they're not on the losing end, that they're the ones in control and that the chance of heartache is at very least 50-50..i even intervene whenever my parents become their strict selves again (you can ask chebem bout that).if you werent married i wouldn't object.you wouldn't hear anything from me. and i do care for her, i do know she is special that's why i know she deserves better than what you can give her at the moment. (believe it or not) money, barhopping and all the things you've shown her are not the only things in life.for some, those may be enough and those may be enough for her as well, but like what i said, i was hoping to inculcate in her somehow, how acting responsibly means.

a letter for you-know-who (should i send it?help!)

i know am not in the position to tell you what do, what with you being OLD enough to know what's right or wrong and what's good or bad, aside from the fact that you are a GM in the company i work for.

but i cannot hold my piece any longer since after all, this is my sister we are talking about. am sure you are aware that she's only 22 years old (old enough maybe age wise but there are still a lot of things she needs to learn and experience and am certain being a mistress is not one of them). i know, i know, you dont consider her a mistress and certainly she doesnt wanna be called that either but we cannot erase the fact that you ARE, after all, married. you must have a lot of charms to speak of since my sister seems smitten by you. and am sure you know that when a person is infatuated, s/he has a tendency to be blinded by it that s/he fails to recognize the faults of the person she seems smitten with. but since i am definitely the opposite of smitten, i can see where this is going and i fail to catch even a glimpse of a happy-ever-after (dont get me wrong, i dont believe in that crap but her discovering that it does not exist, does not need to come from experiencing the sad and pained life of a mistress). and dont give me the bullshit of the tired line you seem to be using with her about giving time and such. whatever problems you have with your wife, i suggest you take care of that first before swallowing my sister along with your marital troubles. she has enough problems of her own...our family has enough problems of our own without you adding to it. i haven't told my parents about this craze because i dont want to worry them more than they already are. how do you think will they feel if they learned about my sister's recklessness and with an old married man at that?

i know am not one to talk with the patriarchal society's version of morality but at least am not hurting anybody in the process or dangling another person for that matter. if you truly like or whatever the heck emotion you told her you feel for her, kindly take care of your mess first and ill advice my sister to do the same. if after all your shit (for lack of a better term) are finally put together and you still..whatever you feel for each other.. then fine, you can go back to pursuing my sister and i wouldn't have a problem with that.

for now, let her learn the ropes of being an adult on her own. we are trying to help my my sister here achieve a semblance of maturity and sensibility and have a respect for the thing called acting responsibly. i hope you do the same.

when..?

when you withhold certain information, does that constitute lying? am just wondering here...

some would say it does while others would definitely disagree. the former i think would be comprised of people who are totally honest and who are incidentally utterly boring (just my opinion) and the latter by people who have a lot to hide (i.e. killers, rapists, adulterers, etc.)

so give me feedback here..when are you considered a lying sonofa..and when are you...not?

be merry, if you want..since marry is not an option.

i dunno what to do with you. i tried talking to you. i tried threatening you.i tried writing to you. all to no avail.

what did you come here for? am i supposed to just roll over and salivate just because you graced us with your presence? i dont need a headache here. its hard enough earning money and sending it to the people who needs it. am i asking too much here? i dont even get the consolation of you helping around without being told. is it so hard for you to take your freakin hands off that adulterer? why do you have to put yourself in that situation? haven't you seen enough heartache around you to not know how this could affect the parties involved, let alone yourself if you (god forbid) fall for him? i thought you understand perfectly well.and if you do and still want to pursue this, i dont want to have anything to do with it. i told you already not to go out with him. and if you cant do that, wait until you leave my freakin' house before you do anything stupid. if you want to go to jail since surely you will, if you get caught, then do it. be merry. just get the hell out of my place and dont include me in the scrutiny of the police.

reflection

i have loved you for a long time…truth be told, i have loved you since the day i met you.

flashback...

crowded awning, sweaty bodies, silhouettes grinding, music blaring, me dancing.. then a guy brushing against me..trying to face me..how impertinent! i exclaimed. you appeared out of nowhere..hoping to rescue..showing concern...amazing!i said to myself. a gallant woman ;>

and not for long...you became mine. and i yours.

now...almost five years later..here we are. still together..continuing to build the pillar we've built for each other...having strengthened the foundation we've established.

suffice it to say that it wasnt all roses (or in my case, lilacs) there were thorns and screws and even really big nails..but i guess, loving you and you loving me was more than enough to hurl us back into working order ;>

you keep saying i am your mirror...i also stand by that..how i will be, shall be the reflection of how good you are to me.

euphoric

i made sure.

and yes, my stay at the hotel in london for 2 nights will be paid for by the company.

ain't that grand? ;> hahahahaha

ELATION-pathological euphoria sometimes accompanied by intense pleasure (merriam-webster dic)

i am in a state of euphoria ;> i am so excited, elated, ecstatic...take all the synonyms of the word from every thesaurus you can find. i am that ;> and more...weeeee....

i recently got my UK visa. It is valid for 6 freakin' months ;> i am goin' there wit my colleague and friend, zenith. she has a sister who lives in coventry. so, basically, we'll be staying there. we were supposed to visit scotland for the 1st week but due to some recent developments, the schedule has changed.

my boss (the highest in hierarchy) spoke to me this morning and asked me bout my visa. i told him, yes, i have it already. and he asked when i planned to go to london. i told him, we might go there for a day and do the sightseeing then return back to coventry in the evening. and he exclaimed: 'you cant take it all in in one day! london is very big! everything's there and it should take u 3days to tour around the city'. i explained to him that despite the fact that we do have our visas, we really dont have much money to spend (well, am speaking for myself anyway). and so he said...when do you plan on going? i told him the date and he said to me:

"you shall go to london on the 5th, check-in in the hotel near the office, do your sight-seeing in the afternoon. next day, whole day, you shall do more sight-seeing (after which he drew the location along with all the bridges with all the tourist spots we should visit i.e. buckingham palace, london eye, big ben, etc.). on the 7th, you shall have the opportunity to visit our london office and in the afternoon, you may go back to coventry" (it was more exciting hearing him speak, of course ;>) nway, lastly, he said: "ill have carol arranged it, ill give you all the details later"

i am wishing fervently that when he said he'll hav carol do the arranging, he means he'll pay for the hotel stay as well since i know i explicitly told him, we, well i, didnt have money to spend.

aaahhhhhh...cant dwell on that right now...am just so elated.

and you may wonder that eventho' my honhun isnt coming wit me, i am still overjoyed. well, the truth of the matter is, this is just the beginning. hopefully, after this uk stint, it would be easy getting a schengen visa. zenith, her partner, honhun and i are planning to go visit some of the schengen countries next ;>

and that, folks, keeps me in elation.

solitude

For a while now, ive been seeking for you..
You can really be so elusive, you know.

For quite some time, I've tried to catch your attention
Yet you always manage to escape my clutches.

Is it because I try so hard?
Or could it be because I don’t try hard enough?

rants

I have the tendency to be really bitchy at times…I know that.

But sometimes, it gets really tiring having to be responsible for someone. For my kid, I totally understand that. I mean, I am his mother after all. But for other people, who by the way, are adults already, it's so damn exhausting. I mean, hello!!! Look at me for crying out loud! My son isn't even with me. I temporarily placed my duties on my parents' shoulders. Yeah, yeah..i know, totally irresponsible, right? So what the heck are these people asking me to be accountable for them for? Arghh!!!

I am so tired of people taking my generosity for granted, if you can even call it that. When they ask for something, they expect you to give immediately. And the irksome part is they don’t even give you anything in return. Though that's not the worst, that part would be--they even expect more! Sigh...

This donkey (as aptly described by one of the very few witty colleagues of mine) just did it again. He again noticed me. And by notice, I don’t mean the approving kind of way. He remarked ("incidentally" to my immediate sup) that the skirt I am wearing is very short. I have this other lady colleague who wears shorter skirts than mine every single day in the office and I don’t even hear him say a word about it. Just because that woman is a manager, does that exempt her from certain rules (which am sure this donkey just made)? I dunno what is wrong with him. I really don't. I mean, it's not as if I was promoted to his level after 10 months. Am still a freakin assistant! What's wrong with him? Maybe he's threatened by my presence. Hahahaha!!! That would be the day, him being replaced by yours truly.

Stop whining woman! I've had it up to my neck with your rantings! It's all the same boring stuff every f*ckin' day. It would have been nice if once in a while you change your tune, or even change the person you are whining about, or even just the situation. Ghad! If you're so tired of you freakin' relationship/s (with every living organism) either deal with it properly or DIE!!!! ;> hehehe am one to talk!