i just heard from a friend that my son's father has just killed someone.
this actually isn't news to me. i mean, my mother has mentioned something to this effect before but from what my mother told me, they were able to pay it off so there wasn't any problem and the person didnt seem to have died from my recollection. but my friend confirmed that, yes, my son's father had hit a person on bike and killed that person and ran.
and now, he's in hiding. from the victim's family...from the law...from the world.
this actually is such a pity. my son has a very imaginative mind and he seems to think of his father as some saintly being. i dont have the heart to correct him. he thinks that he and his father will soon see each other, probably playing ball games, singing, whatever.
so, how do you tell a child who just recently turned seven and is quite intelligent having reeived honors when he graduated from kindergarten and all that his so-called dad is or might be (to be kind) a criminal?
i dont wanna curtail my son's development into a good person by telling him the truth. it might have a terrible effect on him. i certainly do not want him to hate the person who has helped spawned him. i mean, there was some good in his father when i knew him.
i just regret that my baby's father is so irresponsible. he was so talented. he was intelligent. he was nice. he was charming. he had means, i mean his family did or does, whatever. he was handsome. past tense since it has been many years since i last saw him.
sigh..sometimes, i wish i could have known better. i could have given my son a better father.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
g'bye
you dont get to make me feel guilty.
and yet i cried. i felt helpless. but then again i knew i tried.
i tried everything i could. i did everything i believe i should.
i covered for you. i followed up for you. i helped you. i fed you. i looked out for you.
i know you'd say you dont need protecting. you dont need my help. heck you didnt even ask for it.
but as all of us elders are expected to do, even without being asked, we try to do what we could.
and i did.
so, no...you dont get to make me feel guilty.
and yet i cried. i felt helpless. but then again i knew i tried.
i tried everything i could. i did everything i believe i should.
i covered for you. i followed up for you. i helped you. i fed you. i looked out for you.
i know you'd say you dont need protecting. you dont need my help. heck you didnt even ask for it.
but as all of us elders are expected to do, even without being asked, we try to do what we could.
and i did.
so, no...you dont get to make me feel guilty.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
i keep complaining that i dont ever get enough sleep. well, i actually dont.
so i tell myself everyday that i will try to sleep on the way to the office and tho' i try, i can no longer sleep. i can just close my eyes.
so i tell myself ill sleep on the way home instead and well, people call me. so instead of resting, i get a headache. tho am not really complaining...not much anyway.
so i tell myself, when im home, ill sleep for an hour at least before they all arrive home then i realize i have to cook dinner. so there goes all my time alone..my time to supposedly try and sleep.
so finally i tell myself: ok, i will sleep early tonight. but when night comes, something always happens.
like last night-we bought the complete 3 seasons of grey's anatomy and watched ;>
can't really blame anybody, can i?
so i tell myself everyday that i will try to sleep on the way to the office and tho' i try, i can no longer sleep. i can just close my eyes.
so i tell myself ill sleep on the way home instead and well, people call me. so instead of resting, i get a headache. tho am not really complaining...not much anyway.
so i tell myself, when im home, ill sleep for an hour at least before they all arrive home then i realize i have to cook dinner. so there goes all my time alone..my time to supposedly try and sleep.
so finally i tell myself: ok, i will sleep early tonight. but when night comes, something always happens.
like last night-we bought the complete 3 seasons of grey's anatomy and watched ;>
can't really blame anybody, can i?
Sunday, July 8, 2007
my beloved...
wherever i go, when i look around
i see you.
in the years that we have been together
you never left me (not spiritually anyway).
you have always been there. just there.
you seem to know what i need
without being asked.
you seem to know what to say, what i have to hear.
you seem to know how to finish my own sentences.
you are always ready to help me carry my burden.
when i forget and become too egotistical
you keep me grounded.
you...(to quote a movie ;>) you complete me.
happy...
wherever i go, when i look around
i see you.
in the years that we have been together
you never left me (not spiritually anyway).
you have always been there. just there.
you seem to know what i need
without being asked.
you seem to know what to say, what i have to hear.
you seem to know how to finish my own sentences.
you are always ready to help me carry my burden.
when i forget and become too egotistical
you keep me grounded.
you...(to quote a movie ;>) you complete me.
happy...
my name means...
You entered: roselle
There are 7 letters in your name.Those 7 letters total to 32There are 3 vowels and 4 consonants in your name.What your first name means:
Swedish FemaleRose.
Your number is: 5
The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.
The expression or destiny for #5:The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.
If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.
Your Soul Urge number is: 7
A Soul Urge number of 7 means: With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.
You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.
The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.
Your Inner Dream number is: 7
An Inner Dream number of 7 means: You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.
You entered: sigrid
There are 6 letters in your name.Those 6 letters total to 39There are 2 vowels and 4 consonants in your name.What your first name means:
Swedish Female Victorious.
Norse Female Conquering advisor.
Danish Female Victorious counselor.
Your number is: 3
The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.
The expression or destiny for #3:An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.
The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.
Your Soul Urge number is: 9
A Soul Urge number of 9 means: With a 9 Soul Urge, you want to give to others, usually in a humanitarian or philanthropic manner. You are highly motivated to give friendship, affection and love. And you are generous in giving of your knowledge and experience. You have very sharing urges, and you are likely to have a great deal to share. Your concern for others makes you a very sympathetic and generous person with a sensitive and compassionate nature.
You are able to view life in very broad and intuitive terms. You often express high ideals and an inspirational approach to life. If you are able to fully realize the potential of your motivation, you will be a very self-sacrificing person who is able to give freely without being concerned about any return or reward.
As with all human beings, you are prone to sometimes express the negative attitudes inherent to your Soul Urges. You may become too sensitive and tend to express emotions strongly at times. There can be significant conflict between higher aims and personal ambitions. You may resent the idea of giving all of the time and, in fact, if there is too much 9 energy in your nature you may reject the idea. You may often be disappointed in the lack of perfection in yourself and others.
Your Inner Dream number is: 3
An Inner Dream number of 3 means: You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.
There are 7 letters in your name.Those 7 letters total to 32There are 3 vowels and 4 consonants in your name.What your first name means:
Swedish FemaleRose.
Your number is: 5
The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.
The expression or destiny for #5:The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.
If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.
Your Soul Urge number is: 7
A Soul Urge number of 7 means: With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.
You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.
The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.
Your Inner Dream number is: 7
An Inner Dream number of 7 means: You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.
You entered: sigrid
There are 6 letters in your name.Those 6 letters total to 39There are 2 vowels and 4 consonants in your name.What your first name means:
Swedish Female Victorious.
Norse Female Conquering advisor.
Danish Female Victorious counselor.
Your number is: 3
The characteristics of #3 are: Expression, verbalization, socialization, the arts, the joy of living.
The expression or destiny for #3:An Expression of 3 produces a quest for destiny with words along a variety of lines that may include writing, speaking, singing, acting or teaching; our entertainers, writers, litigators, teachers, salesmen, and composers. You also have the destiny to sell yourself or sell just about any product that comes along. You are imaginative in your presentation, and you may have creative talents in the arts, although these are more likely to be latent. You are an optimistic person that seems ever enthusiastic about life and living. You are friendly, loving and social, and people like you because you are charming and such a good conversationalist. Your ability to communicate may often inspire others. It is your role in life to inspire and motivate; to raise the spirits of those around you.
The negative side of number 3 Expression is superficiality. You may tend to scatter your forces and simply be too easygoing. It is advisable for the negative 3 to avoid dwelling on trivial matters, especially gossip.
Your Soul Urge number is: 9
A Soul Urge number of 9 means: With a 9 Soul Urge, you want to give to others, usually in a humanitarian or philanthropic manner. You are highly motivated to give friendship, affection and love. And you are generous in giving of your knowledge and experience. You have very sharing urges, and you are likely to have a great deal to share. Your concern for others makes you a very sympathetic and generous person with a sensitive and compassionate nature.
You are able to view life in very broad and intuitive terms. You often express high ideals and an inspirational approach to life. If you are able to fully realize the potential of your motivation, you will be a very self-sacrificing person who is able to give freely without being concerned about any return or reward.
As with all human beings, you are prone to sometimes express the negative attitudes inherent to your Soul Urges. You may become too sensitive and tend to express emotions strongly at times. There can be significant conflict between higher aims and personal ambitions. You may resent the idea of giving all of the time and, in fact, if there is too much 9 energy in your nature you may reject the idea. You may often be disappointed in the lack of perfection in yourself and others.
Your Inner Dream number is: 3
An Inner Dream number of 3 means: You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
his insolent response (in blue)
am i bad for intervening? this person dont actually know what happens inside the house. this person only sees the person whom he encounters outside, whom he has known for what? a
month? and here he is telling me what to do. well, maybe he is right...that i shouldn't intervene, i mean. i wouldn't have, had he and my sister actually didnt cross certain boundaries. if you read this, know that you have been welcome in my house. but still as you know i am here in this country away from my son because i wanted to help our parents in their financial burden (not to mention the fact that honhun is here but that's beside the point). you dont seem to see that. you dont seem to see the urgency in their needs. i know you want to just enjoy life and such but as you pointed out to me before, you are 22 yrs old-an adult. yes,but do you act like one? as an adult, there comes certain responsibilities. and when you do recognize that, when i see that you are one adult who can totally be trusted, and one adult who does not necessarily need certain people to watch over her then i would stop intefering with your affairs. but til then or til you move away from my place whichever comes first, i will still set some ground rules.
Roselle, noting the tone of yr emails I very much doubt any meaning to reply - but briefly suggest to consider that you may in fact under estimate both your sister and myself, and maybe what we can give each other, you really think yr Chebem is impressed with 'money' / 'barhopping'.., as you know well, these things acually mean nothing and certainly I have more fun and give more value to being beaten at a game of Scrabble which costs nothing other than perhaps ones pride.
However I also have a sister who is 10 years younger and I will at any moment fight to protect her rightly or wrongly should I feel it necessary, so ok you have made yr opinion and I will respect that knowing I may have the same reaction. From my experience, forcing what you initially feel is the right for someone whom you care for does not actually change the inevitable and can risk have the wrong effect, meanginful love and care for someone can be offered in a more subtle and beneficial way.
month? and here he is telling me what to do. well, maybe he is right...that i shouldn't intervene, i mean. i wouldn't have, had he and my sister actually didnt cross certain boundaries. if you read this, know that you have been welcome in my house. but still as you know i am here in this country away from my son because i wanted to help our parents in their financial burden (not to mention the fact that honhun is here but that's beside the point). you dont seem to see that. you dont seem to see the urgency in their needs. i know you want to just enjoy life and such but as you pointed out to me before, you are 22 yrs old-an adult. yes,but do you act like one? as an adult, there comes certain responsibilities. and when you do recognize that, when i see that you are one adult who can totally be trusted, and one adult who does not necessarily need certain people to watch over her then i would stop intefering with your affairs. but til then or til you move away from my place whichever comes first, i will still set some ground rules.
Roselle, noting the tone of yr emails I very much doubt any meaning to reply - but briefly suggest to consider that you may in fact under estimate both your sister and myself, and maybe what we can give each other, you really think yr Chebem is impressed with 'money' / 'barhopping'.., as you know well, these things acually mean nothing and certainly I have more fun and give more value to being beaten at a game of Scrabble which costs nothing other than perhaps ones pride.
However I also have a sister who is 10 years younger and I will at any moment fight to protect her rightly or wrongly should I feel it necessary, so ok you have made yr opinion and I will respect that knowing I may have the same reaction. From my experience, forcing what you initially feel is the right for someone whom you care for does not actually change the inevitable and can risk have the wrong effect, meanginful love and care for someone can be offered in a more subtle and beneficial way.
Monday, July 2, 2007
his answer...
blue font was his answer to the previous blog...i sent it.
have done the difficult thing you have asked out of respect for you (believe it or not), however you take care of her as she is very special, be clear there is a difference between truly caring and running someones life based on belief you know better for them.
i wanna say...
(believe it or not) i do know the difference as i have been subject to that before. i dont actually care who my siblings date, trust me, i let them do what they wanna do SO LONG AS they are happy (in the true sense of the word), that they're not on the losing end, that they're the ones in control and that the chance of heartache is at very least 50-50..i even intervene whenever my parents become their strict selves again (you can ask chebem bout that).if you werent married i wouldn't object.you wouldn't hear anything from me. and i do care for her, i do know she is special that's why i know she deserves better than what you can give her at the moment. (believe it or not) money, barhopping and all the things you've shown her are not the only things in life.for some, those may be enough and those may be enough for her as well, but like what i said, i was hoping to inculcate in her somehow, how acting responsibly means.
have done the difficult thing you have asked out of respect for you (believe it or not), however you take care of her as she is very special, be clear there is a difference between truly caring and running someones life based on belief you know better for them.
i wanna say...
(believe it or not) i do know the difference as i have been subject to that before. i dont actually care who my siblings date, trust me, i let them do what they wanna do SO LONG AS they are happy (in the true sense of the word), that they're not on the losing end, that they're the ones in control and that the chance of heartache is at very least 50-50..i even intervene whenever my parents become their strict selves again (you can ask chebem bout that).if you werent married i wouldn't object.you wouldn't hear anything from me. and i do care for her, i do know she is special that's why i know she deserves better than what you can give her at the moment. (believe it or not) money, barhopping and all the things you've shown her are not the only things in life.for some, those may be enough and those may be enough for her as well, but like what i said, i was hoping to inculcate in her somehow, how acting responsibly means.
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